Mothers

I love my mom, but sometimes, it’s really hard to love her.

She is HELPLESS when it comes to doing anything involving technology, like say, OPENING A FUCKING WORD DOCUMENT. (I’m not joking…I had to do this for her yesterday morning. Like literally just clicking on the icon…she didn’t know how to do it.)

She got her first cell phone last year, and she can’t really work it. She can do basic things, like type in a number to call, but god forbid the moment comes in which she has to make a new contact, she wails like a dying baby elephant seal until one of her children comes to help her. (Her phone was purchased –no contract-for $9.99 at Target if that tells you anything…)

I have tried to teach her but she won’t listen! I lay directions out for her in perfect, easy steps, and yet she still prints six pages worth of ads every time she tries to print something from a website. She has problems grasping the concepts of “COPY” and “PASTE”, and she does not understand how one can magically “HIGHLIGHT TEXT” to do so.

So to the point of this post, I will tell you a story of what just happened seven very short minutes ago…

I was checking my email when I see one from my mom, with the subject line “amazing!” 

“Oh!” I said to myself, “She must’ve magically found YouTube!”  But then my common sense told me she probably got hacked.

So I open this email…

GOD DAMMIT. THIS IS THE THIRD FUCKING TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.

We all know these sneaky little ninja-hacking bastards send these weird links to your email an then if you click on it you get a virus. My mother is one of those people that clicks on the link EVERY TIME.

I know that if it was sent to me, it was sent to all of her old-people friends on her contact list, and as she can barely grasp the basics of email, I will have to be the one to go and fix this.

I charge downstairs into her room, and begin to berate her about her technological stupidity.

Me: Mom! I told you NOT to click on those links anymore!!

Mom: But it was from my friend from ENGLAND and it sounded COOL and AMAZING!

Me: We have gone over this! Those links give you viruses and that email probably went out to everyone on your contact list and it will give all of them viruses!

Mom: Yeah…I thought it was weird that it asked for my email address before I could see the pictures.

Me: DID YOU GIVE YOUR EMAIL!?

Mom: Yes.

Me: *facepalm*

Mom: WAHHHHHH CLAIRE FIX IT WAHHHHHHHHHH

Me: UUGHGHGGUGH FINNNEEEEEEEE

So I begin to open emails from some of her friends. One of them, from my mom’s elderly cousin, presents my frustration with old people:

 “Hey! That sounds amazing but for some odd reason my virus protection says it poses a threat and won’t let me open it! I really wish I could see them! What are the pictures of? Enjoy the holidays and have a happy New Year!!”

COME ON, FIRST-COUSIN-ONCE-REMOVED! I KNOW YOU ARE OLD BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS!?

REAL PEOPLE DON'T SEND OUT THESE KINDS OF EMAILS.

I had to go through her email and message all of her old-people friends, saying things like “Sorry! I got hacked and I don’t know how! Just don’t open the email I sent you! Best wishes!” when really I wanted to say “I’M A RETARD AND I GAVE YOU A VIRUS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU!!”

And that is what I did seven minutes ago.

Side Note- here is a funny picture of a cat:

ADMIT IT! YOU MISS THIS!




**UPDATE: I just realized I already used this picture...oops. Here is another one!