All right friends. I know you have been waiting in anticipation for my essay (the one that I mentioned here) so I have decided to finally take the time to share with you my third grade pride and joy. The only reason I know this was my third grade pride and joy is because at the end of each school year my elementary school used to let every kid in every grade pick out their most prized article of writing to be compiled into a big ass book called the “Husky Howl,” as the Husky was our school mascot. I have kept my Husky Howls from way back when and I look at them occasionally to remind myself of the good old days, when essays were still fun.
Wait. I take that back.
Essays were never fun.
Anyways, the essay is lovingly titled “How I won $1,000,000” and it was originally written in Curlz MT font, if that explains anything about the sophistication of my writing style.
On a side note, there were multiple essays with the title “How to Brush Your Teeth” in this particular edition of the Howl, as it was a popular topic amongst my peers of the day.
Damn. I should have chosen that as my process essay topic. That would have been a good one.
Also, I will not change any original grammatical or structural errors, as it adds character to the story. (Side note: I’m pretty this is what Rick Perry says when people tell him to edit his candidate speeches.)
I will also write my commentary on the subject in hot pink, so you will not get confused.
Ok so here is the story of how I won a million dollars.
One morning I woke up at 7:00 because the doorbell had rang. I started getting out of bed and I answered the door. I opened the door and guess who it was? I was a contest man saying I had won 1,000,000 dollars for winning the “Make your own animal” contest. I was so excited when this happened I did not know what to do! So I took the money and went on a shopping spree to buy all the cool things in the world!
First off, I am impressed at my elementary self for being to make an animal. I have come to realize that fabricating a new species is quite a scientific feat!
The first thing I bought was an elephant. I named him Garfeild and I gave him a big bowl of peanuts. I was having a little trouble keeping Garfeild happy so I invited my friend Rachel to come over and help me buy some more stuff. When Rachel came over she had a whole list of ideas. She told me to buy a big trampoline so we could do flips and other cool tricks. She also told me to buy the biggest bag of peanuts in the world for Garfeild because he loves peanuts.
Apparently “all the cool things in the world” consist of an Elephant, peanuts, and a trampoline. An Elephant is cool I guess. Do elephants even eat peanuts? Was I on crack?
I just looked it up on Google. Elephants eat peanuts if they are in the circus (apparently). (Is it weird that like thirty five thousand other people asked that same question? )
Also I looked up “How much does an elephant cost?” and turns out I got screwed. I could’ve bought one hundred elephants with all the money I had! God Dammit!
Also I think it’s funny that I bought a trampoline when I was with Rachel. I remember she had a trampoline and I was always SO FUCKING JEALOUS AND I WANTED TO KILL HER BECAUSE SHE HAD A TRAMPOLINE AND I DIDN’T AND ALL I WANTED MY WHOLE LIFE WAS A FUCKING TRAMPOLINE BUT INSTEAD I GOT A FISH TANK FOR CHRISTMAS THREE YEARS IN A FUCKING ROW (thanks mom and dad).
We were doing flips on the trampoline when our stomachs started growling. I looked at my watch and it was 12:00! Rachel and I decided to go to the Rainforest Café for lunch so we hopped on Garfeild and headed to the Rainforest Café. After lunch we decided to have a pool party. So we quickly invited some people to come over and swim. We whipped up some snacks and drinks. After the party I looked at my watch and it was almost 5:00! If I did not spend all the money I would have to give all my stuff back.
Why do I keep spelling Garfield wrong! How did I not notice all of the red squiggle lines!
I remember being fucking OBSESSED with the Rainforest Café. If you don’t know what the Rainforest Café is, you should look it up on the internet. I don’t know if it even exists anymore, but to a third grader, it might has well have been the real god damn thing.
Also it was like an hour away from my house by highway…that must have been a long ass ride on the elephant.
This contest guy is a real douche. I MADE MY OWN FUCKING ANIMAL! Why won’t he let me keep my money!?
Rachel and I decided to spend the rest of the day taking a ride around [I am going to exclude the name of my city so you foreign ninja-hackers wont figure out my social security number/home address]. After about five minutes of walking we decided to get some ice-cream. I think Garfeild really liked his jumbo peanut surprise. We saw everything in [city] we could see. When we were on our way back, I looked at my watch and it was 7:45. The money collector was coming at 8:00 and I still had 100 dollars to spend. Rachel and I were brainstorming things that cost 100 dollars. I had a great idea! We could give our exact payment to charity! We quickly ran over to the dog pound and gave it to them. “We did it! We spent all of our money claire,” said Rachel. When the money collector came we told him everything we did. He said we could keep all of our stuff! That was the story of how I won $1,000,000!
When did this become “our” money, bitch? I distinctly remember creating an animal MYSELF. WATCH YOUR ASS, RACHEL.
The end.
Now do you get my picture?
Also, I just realized I wrote this in fifth grade, not third grade. I almost didn’t tell you the truth, for many reasons.
You can let that one marinate...
YAY FOR ELEPHANTS AND SUCH:D
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