Instead of writing my essays, I decided to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. I was only slightly amused, because although their family is huge and noisy, mine is way more ridiculous. My family consists of three daughters (me being the youngest), a mother and a father who live to hate each other, and an adorable miniature poodle name lily (who also goes by the names of “nini”, “noodles”, “chicken nugget”,“rottenteeth”, and “smelly”).(Actually she has many more names; I usually make a new one up every time I see her. She must be entirely confused.) Anyways, to show you a glimpse of my family, I will portray the last conversation we had. I will do this in script form, in case you would like to reenact it with your friends. (I don’t know why you would do this, but who am I to say what you can and cannot do in your spare time.)
To protect their identities, I have changed the names of my family members. I will refer to my mom and dad as “mom” and “dad”. My oldest sister shall be called “Oldie”. My other sister shall be called “Raging Bitch.” My poodle will have a different name depending on who is talking to her; this might seem confusing, but I’m sure you can figure it out.
*note: to help you understand this, I shall provide you with ages of my family members. Mom-50, Dad-56, Sisters-29, 25, Dog-7
Scene: Kitchen Table
Mom and Dad have just gotten home from Boston, as they were at my 81 year old second cousin’s wedding. My Dad is outside trying to fix the pool filter because he asked me to clean out the leaves every day while they were gone and I forgot. Unlike him, my list of “fun things to do” does not include cleaning the pool. Oldie is sucking down a bottle of wine preparing for what she knows is about to take place, and Raging Bitch is stuffing her face with cold pasta whilst wearing biker shorts, leopard print ballet flats, and a shirt that says “talk nerdy to me.” She doesn’t do anything remotely athletic by the way. She wears biker shorts for funzies.
Mom: “Oh no! I left my jacket on the plane!”
Me: “Sucks for you!”
Oldie: “Here we go…” She poors another glass of wine.
Mom : “Why is the kitchen so dirty!? I gave you a thirty minute warning call! I told you to have it cleaned up by the time we got home from the airport! Why are there shoes here!? Did you go to the grocery store!? There is no toilet paper in this god damn house! RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR. What were you doing when I called and told you to clean this house up!?”
Me: “I uh..sdhfjsa…?”
Mom: “GOD DAMMIT I LEFT MY JACKET ON THE PLANE!!!!!!!!!”
Raging Bitch: “It’s all claire’s fault! She doesn’t do anything and I have to do everything!! WAHHH. Also she broke your favorite glass last week and she doesn’t push in the bathroom drawer and I hurt my leg all the time WAHHHHH!!! She continues to list every bad thing I’ve done over the past 17 years.
Me: “Please change your outfit, Raging Bitch. It’s making me uncomfortable.”
At this point I pick up baddywaddydongdong and tango with her to the beat of “Makes Me Wonder” by Maroon Five, which is playing in the kitchen.
Enter dad from outside.
Mom: (to dad) “I left my coat on the plannnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee. Why didn’t you grab ittttttttttt.”
Dad: ignores mom. “claire, what the hell. why didn’t you clean the pool filter!?”
Me: “I forgot. I was too busy volunteering and donating blood and studying for my AP classes…”
Dad: “Whatever.”
Raging Bitch: “claire didn’t clean the kitchen! WAHHHHHHH.” She starts picking her nose and then burps loudly.
Dad: “Who’s underwear is hanging on the lamp? “
Me: “Oh yeah I forgot about those…”
Raging Bitch: “claire IS SO FUCKING LAZY WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” She turns to the dog. “Come here needles! I need to pick out your eye boogers!”
Me: “no I’m not you fucking bitch. go fuck your biker shorts.”
Mom: “STOP THE FUCKING”
Me: “Hehehehe”
dad hands me the underwear and I put it on my head just cuz.
Mom: “I LEFT MY JACKET ON THE PLANE.”
Oldie puts on a Wicked CD and starts dramatically singing to show tunes. Mom starts to sing along, and so does Raging Bitch. Before we know it everyone is dancing to Girl Talk and Raging Bitch is wearing my mom’s wedding dress. Oldie pretends she is teaching a dance class and shouts “and one two three four to the left two three four and spin pop your hip and turn!” My mother pretends to follow along but has the dancing abilities of a retarded person and fails. I sit in the corner and braid Chilidog’s hair and she licks my nose and then sneezes right in my face. I am mad for a second but then I secretly wipe Raging Bitch’s phone on Boggalodoog’s asshole and it make me feel better.
I wake up the next morning with underwear on my head. I go downstairs to make some coffee and mom has left me a note that says “Left my jacket on the airplane last night…L. Have a good day at school!” Raging Bitch is at the kitchen table, sniffing her phone.
Raging Bitch: “Why does my phone smell like shit…?”
AND SCENE!
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