The sassy horizontal stripe: part 1

Friends

I was really lonely the other night, and in a drunken stupor of sadness I created some friends.

This is Chase.

Chase is a rabbit. Chase was self-conscious about his abnormally large, fluffy tail. I told chase that peacocks have big tails, and the ones with the best tails get lots of sex. He liked that. But then he asked me why his arms are so weird. 

I promptly replied, “Chase, you silly rabbit! Your arms are totally normal!”

I did not have the heart to tell him that they are actually boobs.

This is Miles.

Miles is really good at math, but it doesn’t matter because he is an elephant.

This is Ann.

Ann was raised on the border with a bunch of Mexican pack mules and now she thinks she is one.

So I just play along.







This is Robert.

Robert is a huge dick and nobody likes him....I like him, though. There is something about his grumpy cynicism and tiny arms that appeals to me. You know, deep down inside his little, pixelated heart there is some good.

And lastly is Bubbles.

My friends and I don’t know what Bubbles is exactly…

My guess is the offspring of a Ron Weasly and a puppy.

He/She is super cute, though.

Horizontal Stripes

Is it possible to have an addiction to a geometric pattern?

laundry



chair



bed

Because if it is possible I think I might have one.




This is just within a three foot radius of where I'm currently sitting...so don't be fooled. There's more.

Mothers

I love my mom, but sometimes, it’s really hard to love her.

She is HELPLESS when it comes to doing anything involving technology, like say, OPENING A FUCKING WORD DOCUMENT. (I’m not joking…I had to do this for her yesterday morning. Like literally just clicking on the icon…she didn’t know how to do it.)

She got her first cell phone last year, and she can’t really work it. She can do basic things, like type in a number to call, but god forbid the moment comes in which she has to make a new contact, she wails like a dying baby elephant seal until one of her children comes to help her. (Her phone was purchased –no contract-for $9.99 at Target if that tells you anything…)

I have tried to teach her but she won’t listen! I lay directions out for her in perfect, easy steps, and yet she still prints six pages worth of ads every time she tries to print something from a website. She has problems grasping the concepts of “COPY” and “PASTE”, and she does not understand how one can magically “HIGHLIGHT TEXT” to do so.

So to the point of this post, I will tell you a story of what just happened seven very short minutes ago…

I was checking my email when I see one from my mom, with the subject line “amazing!” 

“Oh!” I said to myself, “She must’ve magically found YouTube!”  But then my common sense told me she probably got hacked.

So I open this email…

GOD DAMMIT. THIS IS THE THIRD FUCKING TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.

We all know these sneaky little ninja-hacking bastards send these weird links to your email an then if you click on it you get a virus. My mother is one of those people that clicks on the link EVERY TIME.

I know that if it was sent to me, it was sent to all of her old-people friends on her contact list, and as she can barely grasp the basics of email, I will have to be the one to go and fix this.

I charge downstairs into her room, and begin to berate her about her technological stupidity.

Me: Mom! I told you NOT to click on those links anymore!!

Mom: But it was from my friend from ENGLAND and it sounded COOL and AMAZING!

Me: We have gone over this! Those links give you viruses and that email probably went out to everyone on your contact list and it will give all of them viruses!

Mom: Yeah…I thought it was weird that it asked for my email address before I could see the pictures.

Me: DID YOU GIVE YOUR EMAIL!?

Mom: Yes.

Me: *facepalm*

Mom: WAHHHHHH CLAIRE FIX IT WAHHHHHHHHHH

Me: UUGHGHGGUGH FINNNEEEEEEEE

So I begin to open emails from some of her friends. One of them, from my mom’s elderly cousin, presents my frustration with old people:

 “Hey! That sounds amazing but for some odd reason my virus protection says it poses a threat and won’t let me open it! I really wish I could see them! What are the pictures of? Enjoy the holidays and have a happy New Year!!”

COME ON, FIRST-COUSIN-ONCE-REMOVED! I KNOW YOU ARE OLD BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS!?

REAL PEOPLE DON'T SEND OUT THESE KINDS OF EMAILS.

I had to go through her email and message all of her old-people friends, saying things like “Sorry! I got hacked and I don’t know how! Just don’t open the email I sent you! Best wishes!” when really I wanted to say “I’M A RETARD AND I GAVE YOU A VIRUS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU!!”

And that is what I did seven minutes ago.

Side Note- here is a funny picture of a cat:

ADMIT IT! YOU MISS THIS!




**UPDATE: I just realized I already used this picture...oops. Here is another one!

Candy Canes

I love candy canes and all, but...

Peeing in the Wild…A true story

I’ve only had to pee in the wild once, and I will never do it again. Everyone’s all like “YAAYYY LET’S PEE OUTSIDE LIKE ANIMALS IT’S SOOOO FUNNNN:D” and I just don’t get it. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and the last and only time I peed in the wild I almost got eaten by a monster.

It all started when I decided it would be a good idea to go hunting with my cousins. I don’t know why I thought this would be a good idea, as I am an animal lover. (My dad shot a squirrel in front of me once and I started bawling).  Anyways, we all packed up and went dove hunting.

This was my first time hunting, and after a long debate with myself over the right clothes to wear, I chose a bright pink shirt, as to lessen the chance of me getting shot in the face. This made everyone mad. Also, I scared away all the birds by yelling BAHBAHABAHAAHBAHABAHABHAAHABHAAHABAH  while clapping my hands and running in circles. This also made everyone mad.

Three hours into “hunting”, (and by “hunting” I mean a bunch of city-kids shooting at mountain dew cans with 12 gauge shot guns), I really needed to pee.

We were in the middle of nowhere in this big field, and the only place that had trees was 400 yards away, right next to a huge pond surrounded by cows. My cousins handed me some hot-sauce smeared taco bell napkins and sent me on my way.

After a long trek to the trees, I found a nice spot to do my business. It took me seventeen minutes to gain the courage to unbutton my pants without being surrounded by four walls, but I finally did it.

Halfway through, I noticed that big ass bull traipsing my way. At first I was like ‘YAYYYY NATURE!!” but then I realized he wasn’t stopping…

I realized this could be the last thing I saw before I died…

(Minus all the people and plus my pants pulled down)

I did not want this, so I ran for my fucking life.

Somewhere in between the trees and the field was a dilapidated fence which I totally forgot to draw on the map but I promise it was there.  (It was a four foot tall livestock fence that I had to climb over to get to the trees...)

I was so happy to see this fence (as jumping it would probably save me from being eaten/pummeled by the monster cow) that I forgot to watch where I was running. And as made up and cliché as this sounds, my left boot (that was three and a half sizes to big…another long story) got stuck in a huge pile of cow shit and I tripped and twisted my ankle and wacked my face on the hard, cracked dirt-grass.

I heard my cousins laughing from one hundred yards away and I still had a fucking bull chasing after me (or so I thought), so I hobble-hop-dragged my ass back to the fence and threw my body over it, only to land back-first onto a pile of sharp  rocks.

Laying on the ground in excruciating pain, I glanced through the fence only to realize the bull was not chasing after me. He was walking to a patch of clovers that just happened to be near the spot chose to pee.

And that is why I will never pee in the wild again.



Superfuntimes

It is winter break now, and I have been having the most wonderful time!

(it has only been three days but I feel I have done a lot)

Things I have accomplished:

-made spaghetti

-bought pringles

-watched Elf six times (and counting)

-went to the gym

-played 107 games of solitaire

-spent 17 hours on stumbleupon

-saw two depressing movies at the movie theater

It is amazing that I found time to hit the gym with my busy schedule! I was going to go to the gym again last night, but after a long, heartfelt conversation with myself I decided to do something even better…