I’ve only had to pee in the wild once, and I will never do it again. Everyone’s all like “YAAYYY LET’S PEE OUTSIDE LIKE ANIMALS IT’S SOOOO FUNNNN:D” and I just don’t get it. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and the last and only time I peed in the wild I almost got eaten by a monster.
It all started when I decided it would be a good idea to go hunting with my cousins. I don’t know why I thought this would be a good idea, as I am an animal lover. (My dad shot a squirrel in front of me once and I started bawling). Anyways, we all packed up and went dove hunting.
This was my first time hunting, and after a long debate with myself over the right clothes to wear, I chose a bright pink shirt, as to lessen the chance of me getting shot in the face. This made everyone mad. Also, I scared away all the birds by yelling BAHBAHABAHAAHBAHABAHABHAAHABHAAHABAH while clapping my hands and running in circles. This also made everyone mad.
Three hours into “hunting”, (and by “hunting” I mean a bunch of city-kids shooting at mountain dew cans with 12 gauge shot guns), I really needed to pee.
We were in the middle of nowhere in this big field, and the only place that had trees was 400 yards away, right next to a huge pond surrounded by cows. My cousins handed me some hot-sauce smeared taco bell napkins and sent me on my way.
After a long trek to the trees, I found a nice spot to do my business. It took me seventeen minutes to gain the courage to unbutton my pants without being surrounded by four walls, but I finally did it.
Halfway through, I noticed that big ass bull traipsing my way. At first I was like ‘YAYYYY NATURE!!” but then I realized he wasn’t stopping…
I realized this could be the last thing I saw before I died…
(Minus all the people and plus my pants pulled down)
I did not want this, so I ran for my fucking life.
Somewhere in between the trees and the field was a dilapidated fence which I totally forgot to draw on the map but I promise it was there. (It was a four foot tall livestock fence that I had to climb over to get to the trees...)
I was so happy to see this fence (as jumping it would probably save me from being eaten/pummeled by the monster cow) that I forgot to watch where I was running. And as made up and cliché as this sounds, my left boot (that was three and a half sizes to big…another long story) got stuck in a huge pile of cow shit and I tripped and twisted my ankle and wacked my face on the hard, cracked dirt-grass.
I heard my cousins laughing from one hundred yards away and I still had a fucking bull chasing after me (or so I thought), so I hobble-hop-dragged my ass back to the fence and threw my body over it, only to land back-first onto a pile of sharp rocks.
Laying on the ground in excruciating pain, I glanced through the fence only to realize the bull was not chasing after me. He was walking to a patch of clovers that just happened to be near the spot chose to pee.
And that is why I will never pee in the wild again.
