Process Essay (or...How to Bull Shit an Essay)

When will English Teacher learn not to assign such generic essays!? Honestly, she should have seen this one coming from me...


Prompt: Write a Process Essay/Analysis explaining how to do something.

Ex: celebrate a birthday, wedding, holiday, etc., how to make a good impression, how to study for an exam, play a sport, instument, etc.

How to Time Travel

by claire

          As a human, you are bound to make a decision at some point in your life which you will regret. Maybe you will say something you wish you hadn’t, or maybe you will do something that you shouldn’t have done. It seems you could amend your regret by simply re-making the decisions that caused you problems. The idea of time travel has been around for ages, surrounded by perplexing theories of the space-time continuum and twisted paradoxes of physics.Time travel is a fathomable idea with completely unfathomable explanations and an innumerable amount of possibilities. Some say it is impossible, and some say even the thought will end with wary consequences. Yet, the unexplainable seems to occur every day. So if you were ever desperate enough to attempt the cabalistic feat of time travel, the limitless capability of human creativity suggests there are many ways in which to do so. In order to change positions on the earth-space timeline, one must use a "doorway", or some sort of tangible oject for transport. The four main methods of time travel include passage by vessel, portal, magical necklace, and mailbox.

            Passage by vessel, or so called "time machine", seems the most common route to alternate dimensions of time. Although it is highly unlikely he will be around, Dr. Emmett Brown of Hill Valley, California might be able to help you. A passionate “student of all sciences” and inventor of the Flux Capacitor, Doc. Brown created the first time machine out of sports car, named  The DeLorean,  in 1985. With an ample supply of plutonium and speeds reaching exactly eighty-eight miles per hour, the DeLorean is a sure-fire way to time travel.  In order to use this method of wayfaring, you must first find the DeLorean; this presents quite a challenge. Because it is a time traveling vehicle, it could be anywhere on the timeline of human history, from the past, to the future. The only way to find it, it seems, would be to search the planet aimlessly for the rest your life, in hopes that one day you will stumble upon its return to the present.   You could instead try to find Doc. Brown himself, but this might present a challenge as well. Born in 1914, Doctor Emmett Brown would today be close to one hundred years old. Based on this fact he could be dead. If laws of aging do not apply when traveling time, he could still be very much alive and well; in fact, probability would point to the location of the DeLorean and Doc. Brown to be the same. Although finding the Doctor and his time machine seems like a longshot, it still presents itself as a viable option. If you do in fact find yourself in the midst of such vessel, simply sit in the driver’s seat, type into the keypad the date and time to which you would like to travel, and gun it to eighty-eight.

            Time travel by portal is another very common route to alternate dimensions, including those of magical worlds, proxy universes, and of course, time. Although portals can vary by size and location, those commonly associated with time travel disguise themselves in the pleasurable currents of hot tubs. It is very rare to find a hot tub time machine, though it is said that if a certain powerful, illegal Russian energy drink spills on the hot tub controls when you are not paying attention, the reaction between the electricity and probably lethal chemicals rips a hole in the time-space continuum. Therefore, when you enter the hot tub to soak in its warm, bubbly goodness you are inadvertently thrust into an alternate dimension. Unlike with vessels, time travel by portal is more arbitrary; you do not necessarily have a choice in your destination. In most cases, you are sent to the past. Usually, you will end up at a significant time in your life, for example the day you met your spouse. When venturing into the past, it is important to make decisions carefully, for any number of instances can change the outcome of your future.

            Schools of witchcraft and wizardry are well hidden and extremely hard to come by, but if you ever find yourself within the walls of one, pay a visit to the Headmaster.  If all goes well, a small device called a time turner could be yours. A time turner looks like a small stopwatch on a gold chain, and they are very hard to come by. You must be in the in the best graces of the Headmaster to get one, so I recommend having delicious cookies on hand. By wearing the necklace when you turn the clock, you are able to stay in your current state of time while everything else around you rewinds or fast forwards. It is especially important to steer clear of your “other self”, as confrontation will have detrimental effects.

            If you ever come upon an abandoned lake house, you should check the mailbox. If you are lucky, the mailbox will be a passage to the future or past, depending on your relative whereabouts on the earth-space timeline. Although you will not be able to physically fit through the mailbox, you will be able to write letters in hopes that someone on “the other side” will read them. This is not as fun as the other time traveling methods, but it has its benefits.

            The idea of time travelling is still very enigmatic and uncontrolled. One must be careful when messing with time, because the effects are unknown and could be detrimental. Though the main methods of time travel include vessels, portals, magical necklaces, and mailboxes, there are many others, some still undiscovered. The chance to travel time is extraordinarily rare, for now at least. If you ever get the chance, use it wisely. And if you ever do go back in time, do me a favor and tell “past me” to stop watching TV and to start studying for the SAT’s .



(P.S. I know this was a long one, so to thank you for your perserverence I will leave you with this...)

English Teacher gave me a B minus. That bitch.

Prompt: Write a narrative essay about an experience you will always remember.

My Experience

   When asked to pick a single experience that I would never forget, I was completely perplexed for quite a few reasons. The first question that came to mind was how on earth I was supposed to know what the experience would be that I would never forget. The only plausible solution to that question would be to build a time machine so I could travel to the exact moment before I died and ask myself what exactly I remembered of the years in which I was ages zero to seventeen. It seemed highly unlikely that I would be able to build a time machine in the short amount of time that I had, so I just had to imagine what would take place if that were to happen. I imagined myself racing to the side of my dying future self as she rolled around in agony from exposure to Ebola. (It was either that or radiation. I couldn’t tell). I told future me all about my essay and all of the completely legitimate reasons why I decided to partake in my journey, and future me was really confused. Long story short, I got distracted by the flying cars and future me died before I could get an answer. So I was back to square one. The second reason I knew I would have a hard time with this prompt was because of the fact that the only memory I could recall at the moment was what I had eaten for lunch that day. I tried a little harder and I remembered that the night before when I had taken my dog for a walk, she had eaten some poop off of the sidewalk and I thought it was gross. Should I write an entire essay about my dog and her poop? I thought.  After a lot of deep thinking, comparing tables, graphs, and charts, doing intense research, and baking a cake, I decided I would write about my experience writing this particular essay. “You won’t remember writing this essay forever.” One might say. But I will, and you know why? I will print this essay out and staple it to the bedroom wall of every house I will ever live in, therefore being reminded of it every day. I will just make myself remember it forever.  Much easier than having to go back into the future to watch myself die of Ebola/ radiation poisoning again. (It wasn’t a pleasant thing to watch. It looked like I was in excruciating pain).

   It was a beautiful September afternoon. The temperature was eighty-two degrees with a slight breeze. I had gotten home from school at 3:30 in the afternoon, intent on finishing my essay four days before it was due so I could devote all of my time to failing AP Biology. I sat outside in my back yard, far away from the box of marbles that seems to distract me from my work on a daily basis. I had written the first three letters of my name when I noticed something sitting near the base of the tree twenty yards away from me, so of course I had to check it out. Turns out it was a rock. I had thought for a second it was a bouncy ball. I threw the rock into the pool in frustration. At that point I thought it would be fun to climb the tree, so I did, and I made it all the way to the top. I felt incredibly proud of myself for completing such a feat, so I decided to go celebrate with ice cream. While eating the ice cream, I dribbled some on my shirt and I ran up to my room to go change it, but realized it was my last shirt. I had forgotten the fact that I hadn’t done a load of laundry in about four weeks, so I decided that would probably be a good idea at that point in time. After I put some clothes in the washer, I got a sudden, uncontrollable urge to clean my room. The last time I had cleaned my room was the last time I had done a load of laundry, so you can imagine what it looked like. While rummaging through the musky, roach laden piles under my bed, I found a bouncy ball, which made me incredibly happy and super energetic. (It is important to note that the energy level I reached at that point in time matched, if not exceeded, the energy level a three year old would reach after ingesting seventeen bags of skittles). I was more than entertained by my bouncy ball, but I couldn’t help but get distracted by those damn marbles. By the time I realized what had happened it was 9:00 pm, and I was tired from my long day of playing with toys and climbing trees so I opted to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding instead of doing my homework. It took me another two days to finish my essay but I finally did it, and it was an experience I will never forget.

Angry Letters

You know that thing where you write a letter to someone you are angry at and then put it in a drawer and forget about it? Well this is kind of like that, but instead of putting it in a drawer I put it on the internet so the person I hate can actually read it.

Angry Letter Number One-

   Dear English Teacher,

In case you have not noticed, you repeat everything you say.  It frustrates me and makes me not want to write my essays. I recorded the first minute of class so you can understand what you sound like, but I don’t know how to put sound on a blog so I will write it for you:

“Class has officially begun. Class has officially begun.  I want to give you back your essays so you can revise them. So you can revise them. You all did pretty well but I noticed some of you need to add detail. You can revise it and the grade you get on your revision will replace your old grade. Replace your old grade. Claire, put your phone away. Put your phone away. Put your phone…away.”

Do you have a disease?  If you do you should tell me. I don’t like to be angry at people that have diseases.  Also I don’t like that you gave me a B minus on my essay. You claim it does not have a thesis and I use too much colloquialism (whatever the fuck that is), but I thought it explained perfectly my apathy for essay writing. On a side note,I hate that you drink the nasty flavor of vitamin water. I hate that you make me read stupid short stories about mortgage loans and why old people hate Facebook.  I hate that you are afraid of saying stupid and say “oopid” instead. I think it’s gross when you call your husband “Big Daddy.”

BUT I do like that you play movies when you get bored of teaching.

Love,

claire.