Awards

For three years (up until the other day when I quit) I worked at the fitness gym of all fitness gyms. I worked with kids mostly, and every summer I was a camp counselor (including this summer.) I have gone through so many bosses at that place, I barely care to learn their names these days.  One after another they come in, change all the rules, and fuck everything up. Then they’re outta the place faster than a cheetah on bath salts.

 Currently in place is a whorebag boss, ( who from now on will be referred to as “Whorebag”) (tales of whom are in the shortcoming) and this summer she decided it would be fun to “Counselor of the Week.” 

“Well that doesn’t sound so whoreish to me...”  You say.

Well I say “SHUT THE FUCK UP SHE IS A WHORE.”

Anyways, every week I would have to sit through the fucking presentations knowing that there was absolutely no way in hell I would ever get awarded. Not because I didn’t work hard, but because the God of Awards has repeatedly shit on my face for the entirety of my life.

In all the years I went to school, I never once got a detention. I always paid attention, listened to the teacher, and made good grades. It worked for me in the beginning, as within the first couple of weeks of first grade I was awarded  “Student of the Week”, and this made me happier than a Asian in math class.

Every year at my school assemblies I would close my eyes, cross my fingers, and beg the God of Awards to please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaassssssssseee give me an award for all of my hard work. And yet, EVERY FUCKING TIME it would be somebody else. Every birthday, every shooting star, every fucking 11:11 that ever occurred in the time span of my academic career, I wished that I would be recognized for my hard work. 

 It would be TEN FUCKING YEARS before I would ever become close to being recognized once more.

It came in the mail my sophomore year, a letter telling me I was going to be awarded something very  special in an upcoming award ceremony , and I went fucking crazy.

“FUCKKKKKK YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! THIS IS IT, CLAIRE. YOU DID IT! YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO GET THE AWARD FOR BEST KID OF THE FUCKING CENTURY! THAT’S WHY YOU NEVER GOT THOSE OTHER AWARDS! THEY WERE WAITING UNTILL NOW TO GIVE YOU THE MOST PRESTEGOUS AWARD OF THEM ALL!” I would say to myself in the mirror in the days leading up to the ceremony. I showed everyone my paper. “Look guys!! Look at this shit! I am going to be awarded! Fuck you all! I rock!” and they would just roll their eyes fully aware of what I had coming for me, (as I was apparently the only one who had never gotten this sheet of paper before).

So the night of the ceremony I was flyin’ higher than Snoop Dog in the 90’s. I got all dressed up and did my hair and I couldn’t even eat I was so nervous and excited.  My next door neighbor and I were going together, as she had gotten an invitation to the awards ceremony too. The whole car ride to the ceremony I was bragging about how hard I’ve worked and how I was so excited to finally be getting recognized, and she just nodded her head like you are supposed to when a pretentious asshole starts to brag about themselves. 

So we get there, and there are a hundred other kids seated with us.

Well, fuck. I thought. I’m going to have to make a speech in front of all these assholes that I hate.

When it started, our valedictorian made a little speech (I made sure to mock her in my head for being such a smart little high achieving stupid seal tit of a human being) and then the principle started calling up names of people to come get their certificates.  First my neighbor went up and got SIX FUCKING AWARDS for her achievements in debate and Latin or some stupid shit like that.  This made me nervous. I really had one-up her. It’s ok though, I thought, because I figured I was still going to receive best student of the century.

So my name finally gets called. My knees were shaking, I was so full of anticipation. My whole life I had waited for this moment, built it up in my head, bragged about it to everyone that I had come into contact with. “FOR OUTSTANDING ACADEMIC ACHEIVEMENT IN GYM CLASS!!!” He shouted into the microphone.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

I was completely and utterly blindsided. Was this a fucking joke? GYM CLASS?? FUCKING GYM CLASS??

Tears were welling up in my eyes in embarrassment. They were giving me an award for not even ATHLETIC achievement in gym class (some other kid got that) but ACADEMIC achievement in gym class. What fucking bullshit. I was shaking my head, furious, as I walked up on stage. I might as well have been getting the award for biggest asshole of the year. All the kids in the front row were snickering at the embarrassment they knew was my life.

I grabbed the certificate, jumped of the stage, crumpled it up, threw it on the floor, and walked out the door right then and there. I couldn’t face my parents, my neighbor, anyone, I was in such a fury of emotions.  I walked home that night, two fucking miles in high heels and a dress.

The next day at school was such an embarrassment, as all of my friends knew what I had received. Eventually they stopped harassing me, and my neighbor, god bless her soul, never said a word about it.

From this experience I learned a very important life lesson. The Award God whole heartedly enjoys shitting on people’s faces.

Especially mine.