College and Other Things

Hai friends. My, my! It has been a while! I know I made an unfulfilled promise that I would be back, but this time its fo real. I swear.

I tried to post a couple of times within the last few months, however I could never seem to quite finish writing a post before I deleted the whole draft. My creative process was a little off. For example, I would be eating a breakfast taco and I would be all like OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD I NEED TO WRITE A BLOG POST ABOUT MY LOVE FOR BREAKFAST TACOS. So I would sit down, write a post about how good breakfast tacos are, and by the time I got to the end I would realize that rather than sounding like  a funny post about tacos, it sounded like the diary of a 43 obese, introverted librarian that had eaten a taco that day. You see what I mean?  It was messy.

So now I just have a bunch of partially formed , incomplete posts about my life since we last spoke, and rather than just keep on keeping on I’m going to SMASH THEM ALL TOGETHER IN THIS POST IN HOPES THAT THEY WILL CONNECT LIKE PIECES OF A PUZZLE AND I CAN GO BACK TO WRITING FULL,COMPLETE  POSTS FOREVER AND THEN I CAN GET FAMOUS AND I WONT HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM WITH MY STUPID ROOMATE WHO WAS COUGHING ALL NIGHT BECAUSE SHE’S SICK AND NOW IM TIRED AND I HAVE TO STUDY FOR MY CALCULUS  FINAL THAT’S TONIGHT AND OH GOD I JUST COUGHED I HOPE IM NOT GETTING SICK FUCK ME IF IM GETTING SICK IM GOING TO PUNCH A BITCH.

So anyways, here we go:

#7 on “The Top Ten Best Things About College”: Breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos everywhere.



 

#1 on “The Top Ten Worst Things About College”: You how pooping in public sucks because you have to be quiet and make it seem like you aren’t pooping? The number one worst thing about college is that every poop is a public poop.  Gone are the days when you can just poop carefree, you know, and really enjoy your poops.  Now it’s pooping in constant, anxious fear that someone will hear you. Because you know that if someone hears you poop, when you exit the stall they will lock eyes with you. THEY WILL KNOW THAT YOU POOPED AND THEY WILL JUDGE YOU AND BE ALL LIKE “EW THAT CHICK JUST POOPED AND I HEARD IT.”

 

 

 

Random Things About Me #11 : I am scared of very few things. These very few things do not include spiders or snakes like normal people. These things include murder clowns, squirrels that are not afraid of humans, and that moment when you are standing by the toaster and you are waiting for your toast to pop out and then your mind wanders off and you kind of forget you are waiting for toast and then all of the sudden the toaster is like BAM TOAST and you are like HOLY SHIT FUCK ME I FORGOT IT WAS GOING TO DO THAT OH MY GOD THAT WAS SCAREY. 

 

#4 on “List of Things I Want to Murder”: My roommate, when she wakes me up.

I have never had such violent thoughts in my entire life than in that split second that I’m woken up every morning by my roommate unwrapping a granola bar at 7:00am. 

#6 on “Signs That I Shouldn’t be Allowed to Eat Anymore”

The other day I found a coupon for a buy one get one free sandwich and I was like “OMG I KNOW WHAT I’LL DO! I’LL EAT ONE SANDWICH NOW AND THE OTHER FOR LUNCH TOMORROW!” but I ended up just eating both of them within 20 minutes.

#5 on “Signs That I Shouldn’t be Allowed to Eat Anymore”

 I ran out of pita chips for my humus so I just ate the rest of the container with a spoon.

#4 “Signs That I Shouldn’t be Allowed to Eat Anymore”

I opened a can of spaghettio’s with a swiss army knife and just ate them out of the can, cold. Like a homeless person.  Actually, you know what? I don’t even think a homeless person would do that. Homeless people are classier than that.  

#7 “Signs That I Shouldn’t be Allowed to Eat Anymore”

I ran out of lactaid for my cereal this morning so I just ate cake and barbeque chips instead.

 

So there’s my smash of things. Did it work? I don’t know. Who cares? Wait, I care.

SEAL TITS.

The end.