So,
you know how sometimes when it’s late at night on a Sunday and you are looking
at the ceiling trying to fall asleep and all these weird, motivational thoughts
come into your head? Things like “You
know what? Maybe I should start hugging people more often”. Or "Hey. I am going to start writing a new blog post every Wednesday, because I need to give the people what they want. And by the people I mean the 3.5 people that I force to read my blog and also that one person from Bangladesh who I'm pretty sure is just trying to steal my identity." And
after you say those things you totally forget about them until 11:57 on Wednesday night when Jimmy Fallon says “it's Wednesday!” and you say “FUCK” out loud to no one in
particular?
You know what I’m talking about? Okay good.#samepage
So, what I have for you is the manuscript of a recording that
I made today when I was babysitting my pal Ryan. He is sometimes hard to
entertain. And when I say he I mean me.
So what I did today was record a video as I asked him some
of life’s big questions. Basically, I Matt Lauer’d the shit out of this kid. He
mostly just stared at the camera in silence, so the video ended up being not as
entertaining as I thought it would be. HOWEVER, after I turned it off, I
secretly sound recorded our following conversation with my handy dandy iphone app, which I will lovingly type out
for you. And by lovingly I mean I hate you.
Just kidding! (Kind of).
Me: So Ryan, how
old are you?
Ryan: *he holds
up three fingers and then stares at them, utterly consumed and completely concentrated.
He then dramatically changes his three fingers to two fingers, and lets out a
long sigh of relief. *
Me: So you are
two?
Ryan: yesh
Me: Neat. So,
what’s your favorite color?
Ryan: Wut
Me: White?
Ryan: yesh
Me: Good for you
for going against the grain on that one. Not many people pick white as their
favorite color. What do you want to be when you go up?
Ryan: ..........?
Me: You know, how
your mom and dad go to work? They have jobs? You can be a doctor or an athlete
or a rock star or a mediocre honey salesman, etc. What do you want to do when
you get older?
Ryan: Geen.
Me: Green?
Ryan: yesh
Me: That’s what you want to be when you
grow up?
Ryan: yesh
Me: Well, to each
his own, amiright?
Ryan:
...........?
Me: Alright then,
then lets carry on. Ummmm.....
Ryan: (mockingly)
Ummmm.....
Me: What is your
favorite thing? What makes you happy?
Ryan: wut.
Me: you
know...happy? Like when you smile and stuff?
Ryan: wut.
Me: happy?
Ryan: w u t
*I can see he is struggling with this one, which is
reasonable. It’s a tough question to answer until you have tasted your first sip
of alcohol. I begin to list things out, things like apple juice, puppies, and
Barney, all of which he replies “yesh”. I say “cigarettes” at the end just to
confirm his comprehension at this point, and he still says “yesh”, so I don’t
really know how accurate this interview is going to be.*
Me: How do you
think Obama is running his office so far?
Ryan: *he mostly
just babbles and it is difficult to follow, so I have derived a rough
translation for you* : My brother Scott ran away once, all the way down to the
end of the street. My parents were super pissed, but personally I thought it
was a kick-ass form of rebellion. They asked Scott to clean up. CLEAN UP. Like,
that’s such bullshit, right? Well Scott was just not going to take that shit.
He was all like, what is this? The Help? And he flew straight out the fuckin’
door. Can you believe it? Anyways, one
day I’m going pull that shit too, and it’s going to be awesome.
*again, I said rough
translation*
Me: That has
nothing to do with what I just asked you, but that’s fine, let’s roll with it.
What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Ryan:
meeeeeeeelllllllllllgggrreeeeee pappynanananananana wut. Applejuicebarneyscott
Me: Every,
citizen has a right to his own opinion, I guess. Next question. What are your
thoughts on foreign affairs?
Ryan: *picks up
his toy helicopter and holds it up in the air above his head and just stares at
it.*
Me: That one is
pretty self-explanatory.
Ryan:
Heeeeeeecoooppppptttaaaahhhhhhh
APPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLJUICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
And that’s where I ended things.
As you can see, the wheel is a turnin’ up there but when it
comes time to annunciate things, toddlers are a little on the slow side.
Also, it is Thursday now. DON’T GIVE ME YOUR SASS, BITCH. I
WAS BUSY AND ALSO TIRED AND COULDN’T POST IT LAST NIGHT AFTER I FINISHED. SUCK MY DICK. Or don’t. #womensrights
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