Shit My Mom Says

I am going to write a book. I will call it “Shit My Mom Says” and I will make a million dollars. I will write down all the ridiculous nonsense that comes out of my mother’s mouth and sell it to people desperate for some comedy in their incredibly un-funny lives. Maybe my book will even be turned into a mediocre TV series!

Unfortunately, I do not have the patience, motivation, and/or energy to do this at the moment, but I will share with you a conglomeration of quotes my mother spewed out of her mouth whilst watching the 2012 Golden Globe Awards last night.

First though, I will give you a little background information about my mother. She is the spawn of old money, and she grew up in a mansion in Chicago which she demands I look at on Google earth at least three times a month. When she was in high school, her parents moved to a beach house in Cape Cod and she condo hunts for a place there every morning while drinking her coffee out of a 1920’s coffee mug. She was a premature baby, and currently has an array of medical problems including a fucked up back (which is her excuse for not helping put up all the Christmas decorations in the attic), allergies to everything on the planet, and terrible eyesight. I don’t know for sure if this is related to her premature-baby-ness, but I like to assume so. Everyone in my family refers to her as a “broken record” because she has about six phrases which she repeats about eighteen times a day. Not even exaggerating about the eighteen times. These phrases include some form of “I hate my job”, “I’m tired”, “I can’t see”, “I have allergies”, “I hate Texas why am I here”, “Sit up straight”, and some sort of a back handed compliment. She is also nuts and on the verge of Alzheimer’s, and god forbid we ever host a Christmas party, she turns into fucking Godzilla for the entire week beforehand.

So back to the Golden Globes. I am pretty used to tuning out her voice, as she will talk continuously over the television for entire programs, but after reading the book “Shit my Dad Says,” I realized that writing some of her quotes down might come in handy in case I ever wanted to turn her ridiculousness into a money-making gold mine of a book.  So the following are phrases and/or conversations which took place last night.

As the show was starting:

“claire, get up. I want to sit on that chair. Yes, I know there is another chair, but I want THAT chair. How about I sit in your chair and you can sit on my lap! Come here. Come sit on my lap. What are you talking about! That’s not weird at all! No? Well, your loss.”

During the Introduction:

“Look at that Ricky Gervais! How cute! I love British people! Did you just hear that!? He said “off the rails”! LOL. British people have silly phrases.”

During the Show:

“Leonardo Decaprio is not into women, if you get what I’m saying. I know he has a bunch of girlfriends, claire. Are you stupid? It’s totally a cover up.”

“Look at Madonna and those arms. She looks like a frog.”

“HAH! Did you get that guys!? That was a joke!”

“You know who that is? That’s Will Smith. No, that’s not Cuba Gooding Junior claire, it’s Will Smith with a shaved head. You know, the guy in ‘Snow Dogs’?”

Throughout the entire thing:

“Oh. My. God.  Another foreign winner. I know what this is. The Hollywood Foreign Press is only giving awards to the foreign people.”

“Ok look at this. The Hollywood actors have made a pact not to clap for any foreign winners. Are you noticing this? Oooh I’m onto something, claire. What a conspiracy!”

“You see? They were also told not to smile during the speeches of the foreign winners. That’s why none of them are smiling!”

I must note that they were in fact smiling and clapping, and there were Hollywood actors that won awards...

You see what I have to deal with on a daily basis?